Gather ’round, dear readers, for a tale of cyber woe, red loafers, and a mysterious woman named Adriana. Let me take you back to the fateful day when my entire social media world was hacked. Not just one platform, oh no, that would be far too kind. Every. Single. Meta Account. 

The rational side of me said, “Why should I be so attached to social media?” But the emotional side—oh, that side was sobbing over lost family photos, memories of the best dinner I ever had in Seattle, and all the wine-soaked tales I shared on Instagram. Spoiler alert: all hacked. Why, you ask? Why would anyone target my carefully curated social media universe? I mean my 24 likes mean a lot to me!

Now, brace yourself, because this part will get you. My Facebook was transformed into…wait for it…a shopping hub for women suffering from bunions. Yes, bunions. The hackers even updated my profile picture to a cute pair of red loafers. Which, I admit, were kinda chic, but still—bunions?! They kept all my food and wine posts though, so now my online persona is like a retirement package: wine, food, and orthopedic footwear. Is this a marketing strategy I missed out on? Should I lean in? Can I make “bunions and Bordeaux” a thing?

For weeks, I kept picking up my phone to check Insta or FB, only to remember I’d been banished. Friends would send me links like, “Hey, check this out!” Oh, how thoughtful! Rub salt in my cyber-wound, why don’t you? I’m now the proud owner of a bunion shop, not exactly in the market for likes anymore. 😂

Driven by a mix of indignation and insanity, I embarked on a quest to find someone—anyone—at Meta to help. I stumbled through a labyrinth of first-name-only tech support: “John can help, but wait, here’s Linda… no, now it’s Steve!” After a rollercoaster of false hope and “fixes,” I went to bed thinking I’d won. Then, the next morning, I woke up as Adriana from Germany.

Adriana hadn’t been online in years, but suddenly her DMs were LIT. “OMG, Adriana, where have you been? We’ve missed you!” All in German, of course. Thank goodness for Google Translate. For a hot second, I considered moonlighting as Adriana’s digital detective—her friends were so excited to see her return—but, alas, Meta fixed it, and I went back to being plain old me. Wherever Adriana is, I hope she’s doing well.

In the end, I got my social media back, along with a sliver of sanity, and a new perspective on our relationship with the digital world. Do we need it? I mean, I kind of do—family connections, a writing outlet, and the occasional bunion ad—but where’s the balance? Still working on that.

And Meta? They eventually swooped in to save the day. I guess it’s a little vain to be so attached to these platforms, but hey, we all have our thing, right?